A New Season

In the morning I will have a complete hysterectomy.

I will never again live in a state of "what if?!?!" when my period is late.

I will never again feel the absolute THRILL of seeing the stick turn pink. {and doing 7 more tests...just to be sure...}

I will never again feel the queasiness that only a newly pregnant woman knows.
{You know, when you smile while you're puking because you're so stinking happy that your hormone levels are high, yet you feel so crappy that you'd sell your right arm for a Phenergan or Zofran.}

I will never again feel those first kicks and flips and flutters of an actual human being inside your body. {and wonder, to yourself only, is it gas or is it the baby? and who can I ask? or should I just stay quiet until I'm sure?...}

I will never again scour baby name books or family trees in search of the perfect name. {I never got to use some of my favorites: Nolan, Bennett, Owen, Marshall, Mary Paige, Avery, Evelyn, Greer...}

I will never again sit up late at night doing crossword puzzles while having contractions and wonder "is this it?" {is it a cramp? should I call the doctor? nah, I don't want to wake him up. should I?}

I will never again hear that first cry and think to myself "There really WAS a baby in there!!" {there is honest to God no better sound in the world!}

My brain knows without question that I am ready for this...but my heart....my heart is what prompted me to ask the ultrasound tech if she saw a heartbeat anywhere in the midst of my 47 year old fibroid filled uterus during a pre-op test. {Her answer was a sad, puzzled look that said "oh-my-God-is-this-woman-psychotic??}

I will admit I've shed a lot of tears in the past month. And I'm pretty sure there are a lot more to come.

David wrote in Psalm 30 "Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning."

Is it morning yet?